Its just me ..

Aside from my name and other physical features people don't know me well.. I think mostly it is because of me.. 

I am not that kind-of-showy when it comes to my feelings towards anything, you may see me most of the time as if I do not care, but I really do in my own way. I know that probably most thinks that I am don't care about them or something but as I said I really really do, it is just that I do not show it. I think because I am afraid of what will be its outcome or how will it affect others. I am afraid of hurting someone's feelings although I may seem as someone who can tell whatever she wants to say, but I really am not. Talking about my feelings is my real fear. I don't know why, maybe because I am afraid of what others will think and so on… I know that is a lame excuse but that is just me. 

I am also not a sweet kind of person. I am sure of this one. Even my friends notice it on me. I am not that "affectionate" maybe because growing up and facing my teenage years without a father gives me a lot of fears such as I don't have anyone who will always protect me, someone who will always be there for me and so on, like a father .. I don't have that so I learn to keep my emotions to myself. I have to guard me and my feeling because I don't have someone to do it for me. I don't let my guard down easily even my close friends, I find it hard to tell them things because I am afraid of what will they think of me, because let us face it everybody is judge-mental in their own way. One of my fears as well being judge. I know I did this a few times with other but now I make it a point to know someone first before throwing a lot of comment on them. 

I also loose my patience fast, but this one I am trying to change and as far as my evaluation goes, I am more patient now than I am before. 

I don't trust people easily. I think I don't trust them easily because of my experience before and as well as living without my dad with me, because this is a harsh world let's face it. If you trust people easily they might harm you although not physically but maybe emotionally. When someone ask for forgiveness from me, I forgave them but I sometimes don't forget what they did to me especially if it is something really big. I seldom give second chances because in my personal opinion if you treasure me enough you wouldn't do this specific thing because you know that it will upset me big time. I know that it is wrong to have a grudge on someone but hey, its just me. It is my way to protect my self from getting hurt. 

I am lazy and I am trying to change it but I still have no luck with this one. 

I can say that I am responsible. I know this because when I was assigned to something I do everything in my power to make that specific task to be done. I don't like passing responsibilities because that will only give me another things to think about. I also don't like that sometimes when I am paired with someone that someone will do nothing because he/she knows that I will our task. It is hard and that is the reason why I don't like group work etc. I also don't like the idea that someone will put the blame on me because of some mishaps that occur. I really hate that because personally I am sure that I did this to the best i can. When I do something, i put my everything in it.

I do things for my friends, although I am not that affectionate, I try to do simple things to my friends for them to be happy. 

I also make it a point to be nice to everyone but I am just a mere human. I have my limits. 

I am sometimes caught off guard in some situation. When this one happens I don't know what to do or say and I just over think about it.

I over think things, and i am really paranoid. 

I am a positive thinker when it comes to other things but when I am talking about my self I am a negative thinker I think of the worst. I think it is because I have a low self-esteem or what we commonly called "self-confidence". I am trying to put a little more faith in me but I just can't right now, but I am working on it. 

I give nice advice, according to most of my friends. I usually can tell them what to do or how to handle this situation but when it comes to me I usually don't know what to do. I know that is normal because when you are really in a problem most of the time you only think of the problem itself and don't think about the other stuffs. 

I try to help most people in every way I can but if only the accept it. 

I try to be as friendly as possible but sometimes I am not, because I am afraid of rejections. This happens a lot of time like for example I invite only these persons because I know that they will not turn their backs on me. I now they will stay with me. 

I also have a withdrawal tendency, it is when i thought someone don't like me, I also don't like them my self. If I felt that I don't belong I pull my self away from them. 

I treasure my friends, I do my everything to keep them because I know that it is hard to find friends that will always be true to you. I am glad that I have this people. I love them . 

so most of the things that I am is here. I hope many will understand me now. :) 

Love lots. 

Pairima  <3 

Motto

"Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers "

I've been dying to ask someone something, kasi sobrang curious na talaga ako, kaso hindi ko naman masabi kasi natatakot ako sa isasagot niya.. Kasi pakiramdam ko na pag hindi valid ang reason ang niya kung bakit yun yung nangyari sigurado sasama lang ang loob ka sa kanya for a long period of time..

Ang sakit lang kasi na wala manlang siyang explanation na sinabi sakin or what-so-ever sa ginawa niya, sobrang umasa ako sa kanya tapos ganun pala yung gagawin niya sakin.. Sana hindi nalang niya yun ginawa di ba?

Kung humindi siya noon pa lang edi sana, Ok ang lahat hindi yung ganun siya.. Grabehan lang talaga.
Nakakalungkot lang talaga kasi bakit kailangan ganun hindi ba? Yung tipong isang bagay lang yun na hiniling mo sa kanya..

Pairima :/

Curiosity Kills the Cat?? Maybe...

Heyy.. eto nanaman ako.. haha..  magrereklamo nanaman tungkol sa buhay at iba pang mga bagay..

Dahil sa pagiging curious ko sa mga nangyayari sa buhay ng ibang person ((..note* ung close ko lng naman aa ..)), I now find myself in a situation i'd rather not be involve into. Ngayon tuloy nahihirapan ako, siguro tama nga ung "less is more" the less you know about the things that surrounds you although it makes you look like a 'dumb nobody' the more peaceful your life can be..

Hindi ko naman sila sinisisi at hndi rin nmn ung sarili ko, sa tingin ko lng nmn na mas magiging mapayapa ako kung hindi ko sila nalaman but nevertheless nalaman ko na ee, may magagawa pa ba ako? …

Ito ay bagong issue sa aming magkakaibigan. Bakit mahirap ito para sa akin? Kasi dalawa sa pinakamalalapit na kaibigan ko ang involve dito. Alam mo yung umaabot ka na sa point na hindi mo na alam ang sasabhini mo dahil ayaw mong masaktan ang feelings ng isa at ayaw mo din naman lumabas na may kinakampihan ka sa kanila..  <<Para mas madali papangalanan ko silang Friend A at Friend B.>>

Siguro mukhang hindi ako affected pero kabaligtaran yun.. Sobra akong naapektuhan sa mga nangyayari dahil pareho ko silang kaclose, siguro magaling lang akong magtago or baka may nakakapansin na nun hindi nga lang niya ako matanong about sa bagay na yun.. meron nga akong isa pang close friend na naiyak dahil naiipit na daw sia, actually tingin ko malapit na rin akong maiyak sa mga nangyayari, sadyang malakas lang siguro ang emotional side ko bilang tao.. Kasi kung hindi nakoooo, ewan ko lang.. 

Awkward kung tatanungin ka nila ng : "friend anong gagawen ko?", ay mali hindi pala yan awkward na tanong isa yang tanong na hindi mo masasagot ng basta na lamang dahil pag ito ang sinabi ko masasaktan si friend A, pag iyon naman masasaktan naman si friend B.. so bale mahirap talaga.. Ayaw mo silang saktan kaya hindi mo sila matulungan. 

Kasi totoo nmn na kailangan ko munang mamili ng taong ssktan db.? in any way may masasktan at masasktan sa kanilang dalawa.. Paano nmn un db? ayoko din naman na tumayo nalang sa isang tabi at manuod na lang sa mga mangyayari kasi pag may kaibigan na akong umiyak, may guilt ako na mararamdaman dahil hindi ako gumawa ng paraan upang mailayo siya roon.. 

Haistt.. NapakaComplicated ng buhay ..   :///

-Pairima :) 

Paasa..

   . ang pagpapaasa ay hobby mo na yata. :) ung tipong ssbhin mo na OO tpos ang totoo naman pala HINDI tlga. ung papayag ka pero hindi nmn pala. Dumadami na ang mga ganyan sa mundo. Nakakainis lng kasi hindi mo nmn dapat gngawa un. Hindi kasi nakakatuwa kung oo dapat oo lng kung hindi edi hindi. Hindi ung mangiiwan ka sa ere? ano ka ibon?..

  . hindi mo first time gnawa yan.. kaya ewan ko ba kung bakit ang ***** ko kung bkt parin ako umasa sa isang katulad mo. Kaya ayoko na ng mga ganyang bagay, kahit mga tao na puro paasa ang ggwen sau. pero partly mali ko din nmn un kasi nga umasa nmn ako.

  . when will the time be na hindi ka magkakaganyan? siguro nga kasama na yan sa paguugali mo. Hayaan mo next time hindi na ako aasa sa isang taong katulad mo. sa isang taong Paasa.

Retreat..

 . . . Sobrang nakakarelieve ung retreat kahit hindi lahat ng gusto kong sabhin nasabi ko. May ilan din kasi akong hindi ko na snbi. Pero ok na rin un. ang tapang ng ibang boys kasi umiyak sila at ung iba nagshare tlga. Nkakatuwa rin kasi ung ibng hindi halos nagsslita biglang nagshare. Tpos kahit wala na retreat shinare nila ung mga bagay na gusto nilang sbhin sa Facebook. Nakaktuwa lng na malaman un.

  . . . May ilang hindi inabutan nung sharing na gusto kong malaman kung ano ung ishashare nila. Sayang pero ok na din. Mahirap kasi maglabas ng mga bagay na nararamdaman mo nang hindi ka hinuhusgahan ng iba un.. haha. Sana magsbi din sila or magshare ng mga bagay bagay. Haha. Kasi minsan ugn mga tao na akala natin walang problema meron pala. Pero ang ganda tlga ng retreat.

  . . . Isang bagay lng ako nahirapan ang wag makipagusap, kasi kilala ako biglan maingay at madaldal so ang pagtahimik ay isang pagsubok, pero kahit papaano naman ay tumahimik ako.. :) haha. Gayun din naman ung iba. hahaha.

 . . . Isa lng ang hindi magandang nangyari nung aming retreat un ay ang pagkainis ni ma'am Dina sa ibang fourth year. Hindi ko alam kung sino-sino sila pero kung sino man yun sigurado asar na asar na siya kaya niya un nagawa. Sayang lang kasi kailangan pang may mainis para malaman nila ang pagkakamali nila. Sayang pero wala na taung magagawa nangyari na.

 . . . Masaya naman ang retreat kahit may ganoong eksena. :) Sana hindi na galit si ma'am pagdating ng monday.

Salamat kay Father Aries :) Ma'am Bernardina,Ma'am Straussberge, Sir Jeff at Father Edgar sa pagbibigay ng isang masaya at makabuluhang retreat. :)

PS: hindi ko alam kung paano kumalat ang blog ko at kung sino sino na ang nkakaalam nito, kasi onti lng nmn ang pinagsbhan ko.? Sno kaya ang nagkalat? pero ok lng nmn.

Bkt ganun?

 .. May Family problem kami ngayon, hindi ko alam kung masosolve pa, kasi malaki tlga. Ang hirap pala kasi kahit sa school naiisip ko sia, habang nageexam. Papasok ka sa school ng maga ang mata kakaiyak pero ndi mo masabi kasi hindi pwede, buti nlng singkit ako.. Madali magpalusot. Kala siguro ng iba Ok ako, pero hindi tlga. Hindi ko nlng ssbhin kung ano pero meron tlga. Hindi sia financial problem, sana nga un nlng para siguro hindi ganito.

 .. Mahirap lng kasi ung mga natulungan namin noon hindi man lang kami tulungan ngayon. Nung sila ung may problema tinulungan namin sila, pero ngaun na kami na ung nangangailangan ng tulong wala na sila. Bkt ganun?

 .. Nahihirapan ako kasi mas naiintindihan ko ung mga nangyayari mas alam ko ung mga possibleng mangyari. Mahirap kasi wala akong magawa. Ano nga ba magagawa ko bata lng ako? Kung meron lng  gagawin ko naman ee. Ang hirap hirap lng tlga. Pinapakita ko na Ok ako kasi kung ipapakita ko na hindi, kawawa naman sila. May problema na nga sasama pa ako. :'(

Yami pt 2

    . ito ung second part nung Yami actually pinuto ko lgn un kasi masyado nang mahaba.. so aftr x-mas party nag"overnight" swimming kami. ok nmn hindi nmn ako na-awkward sbi nung isa kong friend kasi daw hindi pa naman namin nagpaguusapan un ee, sa isip isip ko baka nga.

   . after ilang days lagi kaming magkachat pag OL ako at sya. tpos aun marami kaming napag uusapan tulad ng walang katapusan naming "Kumain ka na ba?" at "anong gawa mo" na halos araw araw naming tanungan.

   . Ito ang isang interesting thing, nalaman na ng buong angkan daw nila ung tungkol sakin, due to my dearest classmate whom I shouldn't mention the name, at take note ang snabi niyang chikka ay "KAMI na daw".. ang galing db?.. tpos aun kinuwento nung classmate ko na un sa ewan ko kung sino then nalaman na nung mama ni ________. tpos pati mama ng bestfriend ko nalaman pa tungkol dun kasi snbi ni dearest classmate un sa mama nia na snbi nmn ng mama nia sa mamani bff..
    --- kung tatanungin nio ako ng gagawin ko? wala, hahayaan ko nlng, kasi kapag pumatol ka totoo pero pag tumahimik ka nmn "silence means yes" so wala na lng, huhupa din un, parang bagyo lng.

   . ayan lng nmn ang mga happening ung iba syempre secret na or pde ko ring i-share sa iabng times, pag nasa mood ako. hahahaha :) 


Love lots <3
  ---->Pairima :)